Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
We aren't going to mix hockey and sex texts tonight.
I totally agree. all sexting is on hold till after the games over.
Playoffs. This shit is serious.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
she just pulled a hulk hogan to make her point. no idea how it helped
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
Randomize
