its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
I am going to make your legs soar from cumming so much
Like they're going to fly away?
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
I dunno, there's just something so\ncomforting about having his penis in my mouth.
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
Blacked out and Irish exited last night. At dinner. On a Sunday.
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
Randomize
