don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
Randomize
