im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
i told her parents not too worry the way i do it girls dont get pregnant
Just found out that wake n bake is not one of the 7 habits of highly effective people..
taking a shot every time they compare curling to a real sport
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
I fucking hate humanity. I met a twenty three year old adult with an aol email account today. I'm not sure how those things are related, but I'm sure they are.
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
She grabbed the other one and started playing tug-o-war against the blonde chick. I told you getting my nipples pierced was a good idea
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