Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
Don't EVER smell your tampon
THEY HAVE A VOMIT TROUGH.
What?
A TROUGH FOR VOMIT.
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
It has moved into the cliche "thin line between love and hate" real quick. With her. Not Taco Bell.
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
Randomize
