your room smells of hookers.
And success
I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
whatever. as long as im no longer referred to as the girl who fucked the pledge on his big brother's couch.
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
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