still wasted. at home depot . just threw up in one of the demo showers. not okay.
It took me four clicks to get to 2009 on his profile. This can't work.
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
Its like bringing all that milkshake to the yard and I'm a diabetic and can't have any
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
Randomize
