I got so high last night I started crying because i couldn't stop thinking about how scary space is
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
I'm going as your incestuous sister. If thats not the perfect winglady I don't know what is.
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
I don't want my vagina anymore.
Randomize
