Who goes to Church hungover
Those who weren't lucky enough to go still drunk
i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
It saddens me that girls will never know the wonder feeling of pulling your sweaty nutsack off of your leg.
i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
Kyle's mobile fuck service..... Kinda has a nice ring to it don't you think??
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
Randomize
