Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
so Mike and I made a deal. we'd do anal if he would help me pick out carpet tomorrow.
What...you let him do that?
It wasnt that bad. the two minutes it took is nothing compared to the 10 hr day I have planned for him tomorrow
I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
I sold my books for weed money!
Finals don't start for a week...
Nothing like a little anal leakage to start off Sunday morning. Can't decide if that speaks well of my weekend or not...
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
My boyfriend told me that I said I wanted to "feast on her vagina"... Glad I don't remember.
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
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