hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
and next time when you feel me up, do it right
And I wrote a rap so it was actually a productive afternoon minus not paying our bills.
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
He was gone when I woke up. But he left skid marks on my sheets and our unopened bottle of Titos is missing
New Rule: No more sleepovers with guys we met on Reddit
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
Randomize
