: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
well, someone with very low standards is getting their dick sucked
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
Triple a is towing cars for free tonight and tomorrow night. Can we take advantage of this ?
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Randomize
