She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
I won't apologize to a one balled man
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
Dude, she got "I party too much" skinny. She looks like a recovering drug addict.
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
Sometimes intelligent conversation doesn't mix well with a romantic interest. It's possible the two are best kept separate. Toys should just stay in the toy box.
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
Dude get over here. Steven brought super soakers filled with colored vodka.
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
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