that's when I learned why R Kelly peed on that bitch
i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
i love insurance, just had an iv with 4 bags of fluid, 2 shots of finagrin and a 2 hour nap . woke up without a hangover. all for $20
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
Well if it makes you feel any better I threw up at Roadhouse. And then on the way to the train. And then in a water fountain. And then in a plastic bag on the train.
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
The streets are paved with hand jobs
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