i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
i just set an alarm for noon. fuck yes winter break.
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
We did Irish Car Bombs out of butter trays, the influence of the retired community is astounding- I didn't know people even owned more than one butter tray.
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
Randomize
