dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background?
I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
Drunk on Tuesday. Double fisting. Mmmbop is playing. Only girl in the group. Life is complete.
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
She thinks I'm afraid I'm gonna get caught in one of my lies and some of the girls I'm fucking will find out about each other. But it would be a relief to offload a few from the old crop and work in a few newbies into the rotation. The organization could use some new blood.
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
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