i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
And then he asked me why the subtitles were in Arabic. The television was off.
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
We left his house because I forgot how to drink water, I was just holding it in my mouth and then spitting it out, needless to say I don't remember the sex.
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
Randomize
