the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
