I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
sitting on my lesbian neighbors couch, sexting, & eating a burrito.. that single
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
He just told me my boobs made up for all the bad things that had ever happened to him. I'm definately having sex with him again.
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