I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
we talked for like an hour, i feel like we really bonded. i mean i was simultaneously giving him head but you get the point.
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
on a scale of 1 to 'no sex' how busy are you this week?
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
I touched a dick in church today
He went down on me while i ate a whole 7/11 pizza. New level unlocked
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
Randomize
