That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis
he wanted to give me a nickname... my choices were superjugs,godzilla boobs or mouth of fury
1 stripper is 160/hr. 2 strippers is 280/hr. it would be fiscaly irresponsible to only get one.
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
If a guy makes a dick joke within 24 hrs of matching am I just setting myself up for disaster if I say yes to a date lol
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
Randomize
