so that wasnt chicken after all
Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
Terrible idea I love it
Should I wish him a happy birthday?
Well he has been inside of you enough times that you probably should.
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
Randomize
