i love accidental penises.
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
he came up my nose again i swear he does this just to piss me off
I feel uncockblockable...banged her in the bathroom with my iv still in
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
Yeah i'd say someone being in the room while you're doing someone makes them eligible for fb friendship
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
Randomize
