Kareoke will never be a sober sport
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
found the other keg... it's in the tree
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
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I'm celebrating tres de junio so if you can help me find some sombreros ill be grateful. Also, today in 1992 Aborigines were granted rights to their land so I might need some boomerangs.
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
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