dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
Randomize
