I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
I can feel my pain tolerance has shot up right along with my libido
He played with my boobs the whole time we watched Scott Pilgrim and then started invited others to play with them too. It reminded me of how my mom gives out my french fries without asking.
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
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