If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
Is it mean that I just sent him a pic of my tits with the header, "say bye bye?"
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
We'll just charge in there, all pant less and fabulous demanding he give back her ferret.
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
"You can have sex in my class, just stay quiet. I don't like noise." My professor... Shall make for an interesting semester.
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
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