Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
You supply the liquor and I'll "accidently" forget my bathing suit.
Deal!
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
Neither a grow-er nor a show-er. More like a no-er. If he didn't have testicles, I'm not sure you could tell he was a male, even standing there naked. There will be no second date.
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
We got drunk, we had raw sex and we discussed about the showrunner change in Doctor Who, in that order.
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
Randomize
