Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
Everyone threw up but him. I took off my shirt because I puked on it. There were also a lot of drag queens involved.
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Randomize
