Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
Still workable. Pretty sure i told her i'd eat her out in the woods.
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
would he be offended if i told him that "national coming out day" is october 11. thats subtle enough right?
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
i was mezmorized. she was the most beautiful girl that looked like a boy i ever seen
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
I was drunk and really grossed out when you poured cheese on me and, I guess I just freaked out.
WHO ARE THESE GUYS WHY AN ORGRY ON A MONDAY LMAO
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
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