you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
Was just grinding with my bio TA. She asked why i wasnt studying
I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
Nypd just made jon and hayes chug their forties.
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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