I just realized that when I walk away people probably say "wow she really has a drinking problem" and sadly it doesn't bother me.
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
Regardless I WANT TO BE YOUR SEX DISPENSARY. that is like the career I was born for.
Randomize
