Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
false alarm. still invincible.
Reason #437 to hate Louisiana: Just went to the public bathroom at work. It was so humid the toilet seat was damp and sticky. Either it's the humidity or I sat in somebody's yesterday piss. I choose to believe the humidity.
she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
Randomize
