drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
My clit is not a Gobstopper. Cut it out.
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
Im gnna go loik fir my newq gay friuend now
Goodbee
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
Randomize
