I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
she laid there and continued moaning loudly for like 10 minutes after we were done, just so that her mom would be jealous
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
I mean I've seen her tits but I don't know what her voice sounds like
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
Randomize
