Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
in mid cry she says "I can be a whore if I want to"
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
According to the bell hop, we stumbled in about 4 and then cannon balled into the pool.
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
You should of known that i was high if i refer to myself as melting into anything
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
Randomize
