You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
I just had the ultimate walk of shame. I'm barefoot, in his gym short with vomit in my hair and I walked half a mile through campus. At noon. Thanks for picking up ur phone
Your sister got a Brazilian yesterday. It looks great
i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
I don't think there's a better bc pill reminder then when teen mom comes on
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
We HAVE another bedroom, it's not like I was gunna chain you into the closet. Often.
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
He said his name was Tony, after last night I will refer to him as Tiny
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
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