I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
Chick took off her bra in the middle of class cuz it was "too hot." How's going out of state feel now?
Does this sound normal?...She's ironing on pictures of her dead cat to all of her green clothes...
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
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