I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
The fact that every guy you've slept with since you've lost virginty either have the same first or last name isn't normal.
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
And that's why we do second round interviews for possible roommates.
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
I think I've been there, but who knows? I drink a lot
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
Randomize
