i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
Its 11am everyones wasted wearing sombreros and eating fresh produce..cesar chavez would be very proud
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
I think you're too young for vagina rejuvenation but I guess you have never been one to listen. Sounds good! You bring the Percocet ill bring the vodka!
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
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