my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
I got head this morning from the 31-year-old version of Jenn. It was like a blow job from the future while a simultaneous blast from the past for 10 minutes.
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
Everyone's impressed that I actually got pee all over his car since I'm a girl and they're a little curious..
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
Randomize
