OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
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