Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
Sorry I wasn't really responding earlier. I was really fucking high and so into that car chase.
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
Of course drinkings involved. They don't call it alcoholism because we eat too many skittles.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
Randomize
