Hard rock hotel, wtf why am i still out, im gonna fuk 5 chix 2nite .maybe
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
Getting stoned and sitting front row in a legal class.. Not my best idea
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
Randomize
