Im watching he's just not that into you, eating way too much pizza, and feeling very single.
Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
I had to remind him that there is no "age exchange rate" between the u.s. and spain, and that 16 will always equal 16
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
i have too much dick at my disposal? i should make them fight. best dick pic gets laid
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Nothing quite like spending your evening singing Shania Twain I Feel Like a Woman barbershop quartet Style with some homeless guys outside of Keyport liquor. love Shania Twain. How's your Sunday?
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