I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
Do you think the Slutcracker will use the original score? I'll be so sad if they don't.
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
You told us that you don't have to wait in line at Taco Bell. Then, drove up to the window and grabbed someone else's food.
He is so sweet! He thanks me for sending him dirty pix. I should keep him.
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
Let's make an agreement. No drugs until you finish all your homework. I'm hiding them as we speak.
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
You look wasted in ALL of the pictures I just saw you in.
That can't be good for your liver!
Thanks for caring mom.
Randomize
