The human being growing inside of her was a mistake. Lets just hope the boyfriend isn't.
So guess who had sex in a Ghostbusters sleeping bag.
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
I actually didn't mind her sub-par blowjob skills.. It took me back to a time when skipping class was noticed, and my liver didn't look like a worn out shoe
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
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