Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
he said no sex till date three. i said the party was one, mcdonalds two and that i would take him with me to buy cigs for date three.
it's like heaven, but drunker
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
I'm going to ride your dick until it falls off. That horny.
I'm equal parts terrified and turned on. Come over.
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
Randomize
