oh well we may not be friends on facebook but at least i got laid
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
I don't know, but I don't want you to think its ok to show up at my house at 4 am with a gorilla suit and a bucket of pinnapple and think id be ok with it
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
YOURE ABOUT TO SEE SO MUCH UNCIRCUMCISED DICK
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
Randomize
