dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
hes out at the street wearing a tophat and a monocole and carrying a cane and greeting every car that drives by
he just went across the street and into someones house and we could hear him inviting them over from the front porch
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
Is it possible to be sexually attracted to someone's hair?
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
It's almost like sex was the ice breaker and now we're sociable at the gym
he told me his feelings for me AFTER sex, so that means he meant it right?
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
Randomize
