I made out with four boys last night, AND EXCUSE ME WHILE I COUNT HOW MANY GIRLS.
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?
doing laundry. just found my fishnets from Friday. the ENTIRE crotch is torn out. guess that answers the "did we have sex in the cab" question.....
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
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