my ultimate dream in life is to have sperm so powerful that it will rival that of jim bob duggar.
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
You don't even understand how penises react in the cold. I'm like a 8 year old boy right now.
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
Well, she's officially disappointed in me. I have it writing.
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
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