A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
you just can't say no to drugs on a mirrored table.
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
Don't EVER smell your tampon
I seriously dont think i have ever ridden a horse sober.
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
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